Mummy Wars

Across the great divide of what is “best”, much is lost.

I recently made what I thought was a fairly innocuous post on Facebook, mostly about the marketing practices of big food and formula, along with the cultural assumptions and messages we all absorb from some of our big supermarkets in the UK. I wasn’t really expecting the post to blow up quite the way it did. Among the many who completely related to what I was trying to say, was a core of people for whom the message was triggering. I watched in despair as the conversations went down well trod lines.

I had hate messages sent to me personally. I had public abuse. I was accused of wanting to starve babies. Of wanting formula behind the counter like cigarettes. Of assuming everyone who fed formula was a bad mother. None of which is true. It was hard to know how to react for the best. I’m not sure I made the right call on some occasions, but I’m human after all. So I did my best in the face of a barrage of words and some pretty unkind assumptions about what I was trying to say. About who I was.

Inevitably those same old, tired, lines came out.

“BREAST IS BEST!”

“FED IS BEST!”

“FED IS THE MINIMUM!”

And on, and on, and on. The more I watched, the sadder I felt. The media and invested companies whip feelings up, encourage us to see each other as two camps of people and they profit from it. Nowhere is this polarisation more alive than when it is played out on social media, where there are groups whipping up a storm of anger on both sides.

So this is my appeal.

Please can we stop saying “breast is best”. Breastfeeding is an evolutionary norm, a biological function. It is no more possible for breast to be ‘best’, than it is for sweating to be ‘best’. That doesn’t mean I don’t wholeheartedly believe breastfeeding is significant. It is significant to the health of babies. Equally, it is significant to folks in the UK in ways that often have absolutely nothing to do with ear infections and everything to do with the heart💚. Our wider society and systems should support parents who want to breastfeed. It should just be a normal way to feed a baby. We should acknowledge when it is important to people.

Please can we stop saying “fed is best” to people who are struggling to breastfeed or have decided to stop. It can hold truth for some, but be hurtful and harmful to others. Before making assumptions about how anybody should feel- shouldn’t we ask them? Hold a space for them to tell their story and show kindness rather than judgement? We don’t know their stories. We don’t know their truth. If we are behind a keyboard we probably don’t know them. If they need it, we should support them in a way that is best for them, however that looks. Many parents who decide to use formula often say they felt support drop off a cliff at that point. Many will say a formula company helpline was the only source of support they found. Is this right? Parents need independent, good support however they decide they want to feed their babies. Trust me, as a mum who combine fed, it’s not all on the formula packet.

Please can we stop saying “fed is the minimum” when we respond to somebody who says “fed is best”. Telling a parent who spends so. much. time. preparing formula safely, who may even go hungry to buy formula for their baby, who is up in the middle of the night making bottles, who may have struggled to breastfeed in ways you cannot imagine (or may for other reasons, simply have decided not to), who has good days and bad days and hard days and loves their baby just like you, tellling that parent that what they are doing is “the minimum” is unkind and untrue.

Why are we allowing this illusion of a divide between us when in all likelihood we have more in common than not? In the UK, right at this moment, most mothers will breastfeed and bottle feed at some point.

We do not help ourselves, parents and babies by shouting at each other across a chasm lined with privilege.

Let’s hold a space. Let’s tell our stories. Let’s try to remember we are all flawed humans just trying to do our best in this world. Most of all, let’s support each other on this crazy path that is parenting.

“Kindness begins with the understanding that we all struggle.”Charles Glassman

#breastisnotbest #fedisnotbest #unityisbest #supportisbest #informedisbest

Support for breastfeeding:

National Breastfeeding Helpline

La Leche League

Association of Breastfeeding Mothers

Breastfeeding Network

Unicef (breastfeeding)

Support for bottle-feeding and formula feeding:

Safe formula preparation

Bottle feeding technique

Independent information about formula milk composition

Infant feeding helpline (NCT)

Unicef (bottle-feeding)

Combination feeding

Gentle Night Weaning for Toddlers and Older Children

Image of a sleeping toddler with a soft bear

Have you fallen into the dark side of night boobing? Are you wondering if night weaning is the answer?

As a breastfeeding support volunteer with a breastfeeding child, I often find myself talking to parents about night weaning. Firstly, there can be lots of pressure to stop breastfeeding your child overnight. Whether you choose to do so is your decision. If you are happy night nursing you crack on, you’re doing a fabulous job! Really, feel totally free to scroll on by. If you are thinking about night weaning, read on (apologies in advance, this is a long blog!).

It is normal for babies and young children to wake at night and sleep isn’t connected to how you feed your baby. Boob is a magic tool for many parents, nobody should feel ashamed for making the most of the gift biology has given them. Night nursing your child is also important nutritionally for babies, especially those under twelve months. Some research suggests they can take up to a third of their calorie needs at at night.

However, eventually some of us hit the dark side of night feeding. For me this was around two to three years in. It can be useful to wait until your baby is at an age where they can properly understand the concept of night weaning, often this is after the age of eighteen months.

When Might Night Weaning be Difficult?

Children will still have developmental leaps and growth spurts after babyhood. These can be the times we think about night weaning the most! They are also the times your child may be least receptive to night weaning. Often during these leaps children are reaching out for reassurance. Night weaning may seem like pulling away. You may find instead of accepting the process your child will become distressed.

If your child is poorly or recovering from illness it probably isn’t a great time to night wean. I would even say if your child is night weaned when they are sick you may still want to use boob to comfort them. That’s totally OK.

Will Sleep Improve After we Night Wean?

I’ve touched on this before in my blog about baby sleep myths. For some parents, night weaning helps. Others may find their child still wakes frequently at night. Just because your child wakes and breastfeeds, it doesn’t mean they wake to breastfeed. Factors that influence a child’s sleep can be multi-faceted. Breastfeeding is often a scapegoat for night waking, but it can actually be useful tool to get the family back to sleep quickly.

Before embarking on night weaning it can be helpful to ask yourself- ‘How will I feel if I do this and my child continues to wake up?’ ‘Am I doing this for myself or for other people?’ ‘Am I truly ready to night wean?’ ‘Is my child?’ The only person who can answer these questions is you.

My Night Weaning Story

I had false starts before I finally night weaned A. In truth, the first times I tried I wasn’t really committed. Night weaning can feel like a huge change! If you aren’t ready it can be emotionally hard and you might find you give up on the process.

Miss A and I had been talking for a long time about Mummy needing to get more sleep at night. We read the book “Nursies When the Sun Shines” together and she loved it. The concept her baboos (her word for boobing) would go to sleep at night though? That was a different kettle of fish entirely!

As more time passed I got to a point where I was ready to stop night feeding, regardless of what happened with sleep. The protests A made when I tried to avoid a night feed also felt like they had changed. It started to feel more like… when I didn’t let her have a cookie, rather than emotional distress. Something had shifted.

I knew saying “no” to breastfeeds wouldn’t go well. During the day when I wasn’t wanting to nurse we had reached a compromise where I allowed her to latch on for a count of ten. I decided to try this at night and it worked well. I kept shortening feeds and after a while it felt like less of a leap to say “baboos in the morning” instead. She accepted it quickly once I made that decision. There were some tears during the first couple of nights but nothing a cuddle couldn’t handle.

I continued to co-bed during this period. She had never settled for her Dad at bedtime and it didn’t really make sense to suddenly involve him. I think it would have only distressed her. I didn’t want to remove myself from comforting, just the boobies!

What worked for me might work for you, it might not, it is an individual process. Here are some other things to consider.

Before you Start

  1. Communicate. Let your child know what is happening. Talk to your child about boobies going to sleep and having boobie in the morning. Reading “Nursies when the Sun Shines” like I did is one option. Other parents might make their own story book where they say goodnight to things in the house and you say goodnight to boob at the end.
  2. Small steps first. Consider introducing a comforter a month or so before you night wean. Alternatively introduce a special song, soundtrack or a special scent instead. Other parents stroke their child’s back or shush while feeding. The idea is to create a sleep cue outside of breastfeeding.
  3. Food and Drink. It might help to take some water to bed. Word of warning, water won’t cut it if your child wants boob cuddles! However, children can get dry mouth at night and may appreciate a drink if they can’t have boob. Let them know a cup of water is there before going to bed. In older children night breastfeeding is often not about the milk as much as the connection, but, do think about their nutrition during the day. If your child is breastfeeding frequently at night will their needs for protein, fats and calcium be covered?

Night Weaning Tips for Toddlers and Small Children

  1. Drop the first feed- Children often fall deeply asleep when they are first put to bed, so it may be easiest to start with dropping the first feed of the night when they settle to sleep more easily. You can try the other comfort measures you have introduced when they wake. Once they accept not breastfeeding at the first feed, you can drop the subsequent feeds one at a time, until finally all feeds are dropped.
  2. Shortened feeds- Much like I did with A, you could experiment with shortening feeds. Some parents like to use a countdown like me, others might sing a special song. You can reduce the countdown or drop verses, or even sing more quickly!
  3. The ‘pull off’ approach- This is another approach to shortening feeds. In her book “The No Cry Sleep Solution” Elizabeth Pantley talks about removing your child from the breast just before the point that they fall asleep. You can shush at this point or use some other comfort method. The idea is that if your child roots for the nipple again, offer it back. The theory is your child will drop off to the other cue and you can begin the process of removing the nipple earlier in the feed until boobing is no longer needed at all.
  4. Back up buddy- Some parents find if their partner has been involved in settling their little one already, it can work well to send them in for settling some of the feeds. Word of warning, if your child is not used to this it may have the opposite effect! Reflect on how things work in your house and follow your instincts.
  5. Bed Sharing-If you bed share, continuing to do so might make things easier. While the boobie goes to sleep, the comfort from your presence remains. Taking away both of these things at same time might be a lot of change. Encouraging your child to sleep apart from you can often be worked on later.
  6. Clothing-Think about what you will wear to bed. Clothing which isn’t as easy to access might be useful. I still remember waking up one night after we had night weaned, to a cheeky A sneaking in a breastfeed when she thought I was asleep!
  7. Don’t say “no”, say “later”- “No” can be such a trigger word for small children!
  8. Block of time approach- One advocate for this approach is Dr Jay Gordon and you can read more about his approach here. The principle involves picking a block of time- say midnight to 5am- to avoid breastfeeding. During that time you do other things to comfort your child. This might be a tougher one than the other gentle measures I have talked about. It is worth reflecting on how you feel about it, carefully, before starting. Shorter blocks of time to start might be easier. Remember it is OK to adapt things to suit your own child.

You may use a mixture of these strategies or you may find your own unique approach! Listen to your heart, your instincts and your little one.

Tears and Tantrums. When do we Stop?

If it feels hard, it’s OK to stop. It’s OK if there are false starts along the way. You can always try again at a later time. You might find the process is two steps forward and one step back. You may reduce many of the feeds and decide, actually, you are OK with one 5am feed because otherwise your child is up for the day and you don’t want to get out of bed! (Seriously, it is not worth it, CBeebies isn’t even on at that time). All families and children are different. You will know when it feels right.

Importantly though, it is OK to want to night wean. I don’t subscribe to this idea that if you are child led you must completely subjugate your own needs. If you are breastfeeding an older child, let alone still breastfeeding them throughout the night, that is something rare! Feel proud of everything you have done. Great job. You rock. If night feeding your older child is making you feel resentful of your breastfeeding relationship, night weaning might just be the option which helps you to carry on, rather than completely weaning your child. Your needs matter. If you feel conflicted, why not have a chat with a breastfeeding counselor?

Did night weaning improve things for me? Yes and no. Initially, night weaning made no difference to the frequency of A’s night waking. What it did do, was make it easier on me. I couldn’t sleep through her breastfeeding but I could sleep through a cuddle. I was woken for cuddles and drinks a lot for quite some time afterwards. She really started properly sleeping through around six months later (she was about three and a half). She may have done this by herself if I hadn’t night weaned. It is hard to know. Waiting for when I knew we were both ready to night wean, meant I was a peace with what happened either way.

Wishing everyone sweet sleep (or lots of coffee if you have a sleep thief on your hands). Much love, Oxytocin & Other Stories 💚💚💚

Image of lots of cups of coffee

Further reading:

Sarah Ockwell-Smith

The Milk Meg

Kathryn Stagg IBCLC blogs on toddler night weaning and night weaning toddler twins!

Emma Pickett IBCLC

Nursies When the Sun Shines

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Preparing to Breastfeed

My tips and top links for breastfeeding parents to be!

Having a baby comes with a lot of questions for parents to be. Which pushchair is best? What should my baby sleep in? What clothes do they need? How can I prepare for birth?

If you are anything like me, reading this while pregnant with your first child, the last one might feel a bit all-consuming. When I ‘prepared for my baby’ I read everything possible about birth options. I read next to nothing decent about breastfeeding.

When the midwife asked me how I planned to feed my baby, there was no question in my mind I would breastfeed. It didn’t occur to me I knew nothing about breastfeeding. I thought I had boobs and I would have a baby, and I had booked antenatal classes, so surely that would be enough. I thought my determination would fill in any gaps.

Really, what would have been helpful, was to have done less research into what Moses basket we needed for our baby (spoiler alert: actually a completely useless item) and a more research into breastfeeding. To have had a breastfeeding plan to sit alongside that birth plan. Why is this? For the simple reason, that while breastfeeding is a natural skill, it is a learned skill like walking, not an innate skill like breathing. Much like walking, while you learn to breastfeed you might land on your arse. You might need a bit of support. This is entirely normal in a culture where we do not learn to breastfeed the way we are supposed to. We are meant to learn by watching other people breastfeed, but very few of us see breastfeeding in our everyday lives. Bottle feeding culture prevails in the UK. Quite often, the first breastfeeding baby we might see is our own.

With that in mind, here are a few tips from me, to you, with the benefit of hindsight and a bit of training in breastfeeding support
💚 .

Book an antenatal breastfeeding workshop

In some areas, your local breastfeeding support groups may hold specific antenatal breastfeeding workshops. While lots of us will do an antenatal class, these breastfeeding specific workshops will be far more in-depth. Your midwives or health visitors would hopefully know if these run in your area. If not, it could be worth getting in touch with local support yourself to check if they have any upcoming sessions.

Sometimes lactation consultants will run antenatal breastfeeding preparation. Depending on the consultant there may be a charge for this.

If a face to face antenatal breastfeeding workshop isn’t available, the Association of Breastfeeding Mothers offer an online course for a small fee (£5.99 at the time of writing this blog).

Getting in touch with support options in advance to do this nicely leads me on to the next tip…

Visit a breastfeeding cafe

breastfeedinggroup

Visiting a breastfeeding group antenatally can be well worth doing. It might only take an hour out of your day and there are several benefits; you make contact with the support before you need it, so you know exactly where to go when baby arrives, you get to observe and take in what breastfeeding looks like (so important!) and breastfeeding parents will be able to talk to you about their experiences and what to expect. Breastfeeding groups are often totally free and informal. So you’ve really got nothing to lose💚.

Find your local breastfeeding support groups here and here!

Read a good book about breastfeeding

recommendedbreastfeedingbooks
Top left: The Food of Love by Kate Evans
Top right: The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding by La Leche League International
Bottom left: The Positive Breastfeeding Book by Amy Brown
Bottom right: You’ve Got it in You by Emma Pickett IBCLC

Reading a good book about breastfeeding can be really helpful. It’s also handy to have on hand for those early days when you might feel overwhelmed. It’s easy to forget what was said in the workshop or the hospital especially when you have a small baby. Popping this book in your breastfeeding box (more on this later!) can be super useful.

Like most things in life the quality of breastfeeding advice in print can massively vary so look out for the ones in the picture there. These are my favourite breastfeeding books for parents. All of them are evidence-based and written by people who know their stuff.

Think about safe sleep

baby-sleep-safe-sleep-image-thanks-to-basis

Image Credit: https://www.basisonline.org.uk/co-sleeping-image-archive/

Pre-baby it can be really easy to think you’ve got where the baby will sleep sussed. Chances are you’ve bought a Moses basket, a crib or maybe you’ve invested one of those co-sleeper cots that attach to your bed. However, it can be worth thinking about what you will do if your baby prefers to sleep closer to you.

Almost 50% of babies will have slept in an adult bed with one or both parents by three months, whether intended or not. Breastfeeding also releases oxytocin, which is a hormone which can make you sleepy (this is one reason breastfeeding parents are thought to get better quality sleep). There is a significant association between longer duration of breastfeeding and bedsharing. It’s important to be aware of safe bedsharing guidelines. You might not need to use them but it is far better to plan and be safe than it is to not plan and end up in a riskier situation, such as exhausted on the sofa.

https://www.unicef.org.uk/babyfriendly/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2016/07/Co-sleeping-and-SIDS-A-Guide-for-Health-Professionals.pdf

I’ve written more about sleep here, click the link to find out more.

Prepare your breastfeeding box!

In the first few weeks of breastfeeding, expect to be breastfeeding a lot. This is normal and it is a good thing because it also encourages new mothers to rest and recover. A breastfeeding box can be helpful, it should be something you can easily move about the house with you. Things you might like to pop into it are:

  • Spare breast pads.
  • A large water bottle.
  • A leak-proof, insulated mug.
  • A muslin to catch spit ups.
  • The TV remotes.
  • Phone chargers.
  • Magazine or book, ebook reader or tablet (basically- entertainment)!
  • Your breastfeeding book (see above)!
  • Details of local breastfeeding support services.
  • Tasty snacks.
  • Tissues
  • A small pot of vaseline- either for your lips, or if you are unfortunate enough to suffer a cracked nipple, to help with healing.

You might also want to throw in a stretchy wrap for those early days. Find a sling library near you for lessons in how to babywear, you will be so glad you did!

If you have an older child, you might want to set up a breastfeeding box for them too. This can include crafts, colouring, puzzles, books, special toys or a special film to watch. Whatever you think will keep the older sibling engaged and happy. Consider things you can help with one-handed if needs be!

Finally, it won’t go in the box, but a Netflix subscription would be a much handier present than flowers… I am looking at you, visitors and wannabe baby cuddlers! #justsaying

Antenatal expression (optional extra!)

DCF 1.0

Baby being syringe fed colostrum. With thanks to https://www.flickr.com/people/crimfants/

For some parents, antenatal hand expression can be great preparation for breastfeeding. This might be for many different reasons. Perhaps you are expecting an early delivery, or you have gestational diabetes, your baby might have been diagnosed with a congenital difference or you might have had a difficult journey the first time around. You might just want an extra bit of reassurance. Antenatal expression of colostrum is just that, an insurance policy. It should never replace at breast feedings unless it is necessary. The ideal situation is that you don’t use it. However, it can come in handy if something unexpected happens which means boobing isn’t going to plan or you are separated from your baby.

One advantage to hand expressing colostrum antenatally is that it gets you familiar with your boobs and how things all work. Studies have found hand expressing in pregnancy helps parents to feel more confident about breastfeeding, and that parents who do this breastfeed for longer.

Antenatal expression of colostrum is thought to be safe from around the 37-week mark. If you want to start earlier check with your midwife or consultant first. You can find out more about the antenatal expression of colostrum here.

You’ve done the prep…so now what’s your breastfeeding plan?

So hopefully after thinking about a few bits, you will have a better idea of what to put on your breastfeeding plan and what is important in order to get breastfeeding off to a good start!

The Australian Breastfeeding Association have some brilliant example plans which you can use or adapt here to suit: https://www.breastfeeding.asn.au/bf-info/your-baby-arrives/my-breastfeeding-plan

Want to read more about early days breastfeeding?

Some brilliant extra reading to prepare you for your breastfeeding journey:

General questions about breastfeeding answered by the Association of Breastfeeding Mothers

Breastfeeding a newborn, what to expect by Kellymom

The First Time You Breastfeed, by Emma Pickett

A brilliant video about attaching your baby at the breast, by Global Health Media

Newborn nappy output- what to expect by the NCT

Identifying good transfer of milk, by Global Health Media

Normal newborn behaviour in the first months, by Sarah Ockwell-Smith

Cluster feeding and fussy evenings, by Kellymom

Emma Pickett reassures parents about normal feeding intervals

Find an International Board Certified Lactation Consultant

Prepare for the birth, but make sure you also prepare for what comes after!

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Breastfeeding is not just for my toddler, it’s for me too

So today, while my daughter entertained herself by running wild in a soft play, I took some time to have a hot drink and play around on Facebook. I saw a cartoon which made me smile at first.

The cartoon showed three mums breastfeeding toddlers and the toddlers were doing various gym-nurstics and other cheeky toddler nursing antics. Probably the sort of stuff anyone breastfeeding beyond babyhood can relate to. Sat next to them, a lady who doesn’t have a child says “My mom always said anyone breastfeeding a toddler does it for their own pleasure, I can see now that’s not true!”.

After the initial smile, I paused. And I thought. And the more I thought about this cartoon the more annoyed it made me. I got very annoyed, not with the cartoon as such, but with our society and our wider culture which says “Okay, if we have to accept you might want to breastfeed an older baby or child, you absolutely can’t, absolutely shan’t, enjoy any minute of it.”

I know this cartoon wasn’t badly meant. It was meant to be funny. A bit of solidarity for parents breastfeeding older children in a world where there is little of it. I can applaud it for that. Maybe I just take things a bit too seriously. Maybe sitting in a Wacky Warehouse for three hours just makes me angry. If you don’t agree, I’m happy for you to scroll on by, no hard feelings. However, I need to speak my truth. I want to speak it for all those people out there feeding older children. The ones who also don’t feel they can say it.

I still breastfeed my preschooler. She’s pushing four. So obviously, I’ve been breastfeeding a while. We nurse maybe two or three times a day. As she gets older it happens less, becomes a brief sweet interlude in our busy days. I love my daughter and she loves her “baboo time”, and of course, I often do it for her. Sometimes I might not feel like it, I might feel a bit touched out, I might put her off because I’m not wearing the right bra or I’m in a nice dress with no boob access. I get to have a say too. And because I have a say, I will say: Sometimes when we breastfeed, I also do it for me.

It’s kind of taboo, especially with an older boobling, to say that.

I nurse my daughter for many reasons and some of those reasons are selfless. Some of them are not.

I wouldn’t breastfeed A if I didn’t like to breastfeed her. And no, I don’t mean I like it in that creepy way some people think of when somebody talks about nursing older children (if this is you, seek help m’kay?). Sometimes, just taking a moment in the day to reconnect, in a way that is special to us, is pretty wonderful. The oxytocin starts flowing and we are having a cuddle and I remember how much I love being her mum and just enjoy the closeness we have.

I also nurse her at bedtime because thank goodness for boob, it makes bedtime in this house so frickin easy. Ten minutes and zzzz, she is OUT. No bedtime battles here. I am happily smug, with a glass of wine by 7pm in our house. It’s not the bedtime magic bullet for everyone, but I am so glad it is for me!

I breastfeed my daughter because she rarely gets sick. I’ve had to take less than a handful of days leave from work despite her being at childcare four days out of seven. Hurrah for that milky, immune system supporting magic!

I nurse her back to sleep at 5.30am, because quite frankly, I am not ready to get up and it means I am not cursing CBeebies because it doesn’t start until 6am like some of my parent friends are. Seriously though BBC, sort that s*** out.

I nurse her because it cures any tantrum and upset without me having to negotiate a screaming, writhing, octopus child. This is great for me, I am not so great at negotiating with a screaming kid. My husband is awesome at it. Me? I’m glad I have a boob to use.

I don’t nurse her for this reason but it is nice to know I have significantly reduced my chances of breast and ovarian cancers, diabetes, heart disease and osteoporosis.

I nurse my daughter because it is special to me.

I nurse her because I love to see the sheer joy on her face as I say “oh okay then”, as she jumps on my lap and laughs as I cuddle her close.

I breastfeed her because I love it.

Breastfeeding is for the dyad. That means both participants. Not just the baby. When we deny this to the world and laugh and say “oh, it is all for them really” aren’t we really saying it is unacceptable for the mother to enjoy breastfeeding? Why do we have to be martyrs? Why does it feel so scandalous to say “You know what, sometimes I really enjoy breastfeeding my toddler?”

That day is coming down the road fast, so fast. Too fast. I know the day when my child will no longer need those special cuddles and breastfeeds will come and go before I know it. This won’t be forever, and when it ends, I will treasure those memories, though my arms will ache and feel empty. Snatching a brief hug here, and a brief snuggle there as my child runs away to play with her friends. This is the way that parenting goes. It moves on, it evolves and often, you don’t get a say in whether you are ready. It just happens.

Once, way back when A was a babe I was agonising over whether to start putting her into her own bedroom. I remember clearly when this lovely lady who ran the group smiled at me and said, “Our children are always moving away from us, don’t rush it if you don’t want to”. Her words were so beautiful. I think I will remember them forever.

So I’m not going to rush it or deny what I get out of breastfeeding too. While I might not savour every moment, and I won’t tell you to, because that is false, and not how life is, I will also not be ashamed to say I breastfeed for me as well as for my child.

I will speak my truth.

Remember, it’s okay to speak yours.

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Busting Baby Sleep Myths

Whether or not your baby sleeps through the night, remember your success as a parent is defined by so much more.

Without a doubt, sleep deprivation is one of the biggest challenges I have faced to date while raising A. The lowest points were after her twelve week birthday. We went to bed together one evening as normal and instead of the couple of hours I had become used to, she woke up after forty-five minutes. And then forty-five minutes after that. And…well you get the picture. For a long time, she woke very frequently. She was *gasp* a couple of months shy of four before she really consistently slept for most of the night.

I cannot count the hours I spent googling baby sleep. Sleep became an all-consuming topic for me. I read everything. Worried about everything. I was determined to find out WHY my baby would not sleep. I lacked a lot of knowledge about what is normal sleep, not just in babies, but in toddlers and preschoolers. I wasted a lot of time. While we did find some triggers for her frequent waking, some of it was just personality. Miss A is now a bright, inquisitive, smart and curious pre-schooler and sleep, well sleep is boring isn’t it? Her father also gets by happily on less sleep than average. Indeed, some studies have suggested the way our children sleep, may actually be largely genetic.

I really want to say one thing I think a lot of parents need to hear, so listen up. If your baby doesn’t sleep through the night, it is unlikely to be your fault.

Here are some of the most common myths about how and where babies sleep:

Your baby should be sleeping through the night by *insert arbitrary figure here*

A lot of popular information suggests babies should be capable of sleeping through the night from an early age. In reality, instead of talking about “sleeping through the night” we should talk about babies sleeping in ‘consolidated blocks’. In many scientific studies, ‘sleeping through the night’ is defined as sleeping a 5 hour period between midnight and 5am. Not quite the picture parents have in mind! Research has shown huge variance in when babies start to sleep in consolidated blocks and whether they settle themselves, or ‘signal’ (read yell their little heads off) for assistance. We don’t know why there is such a big difference, though many feel the answers lie in the personality of the baby.

BASIS suggests it is completely normal when infants wake frequently for the first year and beyond. Indeed, they say 13% of year old babies, still do not sleep in a consolidated block of 5 hours or more regularly. Gives us a slightly new perspective on those baby sleep books!

Toddlers definitely shouldn’t be waking up at night though right?

Though there seems to be a huge divide about when babies should sleep through the night, it feels like most people are in agreement that toddlers definitely should. However, again, the research doesn’t particularly back this idea up. Studies have shown that toddlers often continue to wake up during the night and need input from their parents, well into the second year of life.

Sarah Ockwell-Smith, someone who has spent an awful lot more time talking in an evidence-based fashion about how children sleep than me, suggests sleeping through is more like a roller coaster, than a linear trajectory. Basically, children are all different, and some may sleep “well” from babyhood, others may well be into their pre-school years before they consistently start to “sleep through”. Both are normal.

Formula or solid food helps babies to sleep better at night

Yeah, I had high hopes for starting solids too. My baby was totally going to sleep through once she was on solid foods! Except she didn’t. Also, formula fed babies still wake up frequently at night, the difference is, you also have to go downstairs and make bottles when they do. When people insist babies fed formula sleep better it is frankly insulting to their hard-working parents, who are up with bottles in the middle of the night. Seriously, it’s not like safe formula prep at 2am is the easy option! I wish we would stop saying that it is. These pervasive myths are by far best addressed by this lovely video from the team at Swansea University (I apologise if the catchy tune gets stuck in your head!):

If you stop feeding your baby at night, you will get more sleep

Sometimes night weaning might be helpful, and sometimes- it might not. This is because advocates of night weaning often forget that night waking is not just about food for babies. Development spurts often play their part. It is particularly common to hear parents asking about night weaning when they are smack in the middle of a leap. This may be absolutely the worst time to attempt night weaning. Your child is waking because they need reassurance, pulling away might actually make things worse or result in a lot of distress. Successful night weaning often depends on whether the child (and the mother) is truly ready.

I gently night weaned my preschooler when she was three. I’ll be honest, at first it made absolutely no difference to her sleep, and in fact, she still wakes up and asks for a cuddle and a drink. So if you are considering night weaning, it might be a good idea to think carefully about how you will feel if sleep does not improve. If your child still wakes up, will night weaning still help you feel more rested? For me, it made quite a lot of difference as I struggled to sleep through night feeds, but could sleep through a cuddle. If you are a mum who finds you can sleep through the night feeds anyway, it may make less difference.

Most gentle parenting and breastfeeding advocates do not suggest night weaning babies under twelve months old. These babies may still need night feeds. Which leads us on to…

A baby no longer needs to breastfeed at night once they have reached a certain age or weight

It is common for people to suggest babies do not “need” night feeds once they are six weeks/six months/double their birth weight etc…

Firstly, can we define ‘need’? Breastfeeding is, as well as a way to satisfy hunger, a relationship. A breastfeed is a cuddle, immunity, reassurance, warmth. How many times a night might you wake and have a sip of water, adjust your blankets, reach out for a warm body to snuggle into?

Secondly, this doesn’t take into account that all babies are different, and all boobies are different! Have a read about milk storage capacity here. Some mothers may need to feed more frequently to give the baby the same amount of milk per feed as her friend. This is not a mother with a supply problem, but natural variation. In order to support a healthy milk supply, breastfeeding works best when babies are fed to cue. In the first year milk is the most crucial part of baby’s nutrition and what is important is not how much baby gets per feed, but how much they get in twenty-four hours. A set rule for everyone just goes against basic biology.

In many cases, breastfeeding is a far easier way to get baby to sleep more quickly, and get better quality sleep. Use that magic while you can!

Responding to your baby every time they cry at night, makes children dependent and clingy

This is so far from the truth it makes me laugh. There is a wealth of research which suggests responsive parenting promotes healthy, secure and confident children. See Unicef’s “building a happy baby” leaflet or look into “attachment theory”. Not responding to children has been shown to do exactly the opposite of making children independent. Sleep training is a divisive subject and a blog post of its own. I will simply say, it isn’t the magic bullet people suggest, and that more information on it can be found here.

Responding to your baby does good things for both of you!

Bed-sharing is *the* most dangerous way for your baby to sleep! Don’t do it!

So this one was a massive bug-bear of mine. We previously have not been having nuanced conversations with parents about where breastfed babies should sleep. Positively, the tide seems to be turning a little recently, with the Lullaby Trust, Unicef UK, BASIS and PHE collaborating on new safe sleep guidelines which finally discuss bed-sharing in the mix.

Why is it important to talk about this? Because otherwise parents do not talk to their health visitors about this for fear of judgement. And then, they do not get the information they need about how to bed-share safely. On any given night 22% of babies will be bedsharing with their parents. Blanket recommendations not to bedshare have been clearly shown not to work and may have even increased the risk of SIDS for our babies.

We have historically focused more on the risk of bed-sharing to breastfed babies than we do on the increased risk of SIDS from other practices which parents might turn to instead- like sofa sleeping or giving formula instead to help their baby to sleep. Why have we not talked more about the impact of alcohol, smoking and drugs on SIDS rates? Risks which are so much greater? Why are we still not getting our knickers in a knot about the relationship between poverty and SIDS rates and holding society accountable for that? Focusing our support and resources on all of these things would have so much more impact.

Unicef Co-sleeping Guidance for Health Professionals

For a long time health professionals have been in a tricky spot. Advocating 6 months exclusively breastfeeding yet having to advise against one of the tools that help many people to achieve it. Studies suggest “breast-sleeping” (i.e. bedsharing as a breastfeeding mother) supports breastfeeding, with mothers showing increased responsiveness and increased breastfeeding overnight (see below for links to a wealth of research information). Mothers who bedshare also tend to breastfeed for longer than mothers who do not.

I could go on about this forever, but I won’t. I am glad the guidance is finally start to shift in line with the reality for many families. If you are considering bedsharing with your baby, read evidence-based information and decide what is right for your baby. Safety guidelines are really important if you go ahead. You can see these in the new guidance I have already linked, as well as here, and here, and here.

If I could wave a magic wand and change one thing, what would it be? I would love to do away with this culture where parents who announce their child is sleeping well get congratulated. I slept well for years before children. I am pretty sure nobody said “well done” every time I woke up after a full 8 hours. Nobody insinuated this made me a better person, or that it was because of the big dinner I had that night. I want to stop having to reassure and comfort tired parents in breastfeeding groups who think their baby is broken. Not because it annoys me to do so, but because this crippling pressure is unfair to them. We create it with expectations which are so off-kilter from reality it is ridiculous. I would love people to start showing empathy to parents rather than judgement. Maybe help them out around the house, or make them a coffee. In the absence of a magic wand, I hope the myths busted in this blog help. Watch this space, and subscribe or like me on Facebook, Instagram or Twitter for news of upcoming blogs about how to cope with frequent night waking, and gentle night weaning.

You can find more good information about sleep here:https://www.basisonline.org.uk/

Recommending reading about infant and child sleep:

Bedsharing research:

For more papers from Prof Helen Ball

Evidence based bedsharing info from BASIS site

Prof. James Mckenna’s work here

Image Credit: https://www.basisonline.org.uk/co-sleeping-image-archive/

Updated: 27/03/19

Tips for Breastfeeding a Baby With a Tongue Tie

When my daughter was born we had issues establishing breastfeeding. Feeding her was painful, and her weight gain was slow because she was tongue-tied. My memories of the early days of motherhood are still a haze to me, but by far one of my clearest (and saddest) memories was of looking at my perfect baby girl, willing her not to wake up. I couldn’t bear to feed her again. My nipples were bruised and cracked. I was on strong painkillers, because I had an emergency C-section, yet even with those, the pain far outweighed the wound I was recovering from. For various reasons, I was feeding my daughter for seven weeks before her tie was fully released and feeding started along the slow path to improvement. I won’t dwell too much on my story, perhaps I will tell it more fully one day on another blog. The purpose of this one is to share a few things I found helped me during the long weeks, plus a few things I have learned during my training in breastfeeding support.

There may be many reasons you are waiting to have a tongue tie division or indeed you may have decided the procedure isn’t the right decision for your family. Here are a few ideas and tips for you to consider.

Seek experienced feeding support whatever position you find yourself in. Find a lovely boob group too. Whatever happens on your breastfeeding journey, remember it is a journey. Sometimes a division isn’t an instant fix. Ongoing experienced support and moral support can be really helpful. Find a breastfeeding group here.

A breastfeeding counsellor or IBCLC can help you experiment with different positions. Some positions which work well for tied babies include laidback breastfeeding, the rugby hold, the straddle hold. Pay particular attention to the fundamentals of good attachment as this may be a harder to achieve with a tongue tied baby.

Get skin to skin! Skin to skin feeding can really help encourage a baby’s natural latching reflexes and has the added bonus of removing layers which separate you and the baby. It may just make that bit of difference.

Experiment with exaggerated latch techniques. These can be really helpful to encourage a deeper attachment. Options include tilting the nipple (“flipple”) or shaping the breast (“breast sandwich”).

It can be really helpful to use a couple of different positions while feeding when feeding is painful. This is because it stops the same part of the nipple being hurt and potentially damaged at every feed.

If baby struggles to transfer milk effectively while feeding

If feeds are very lengthy, painful or your breasts don’t feel relieved afterwards- there are a couple of things you can try. Breast compressions can improve milk transfer. Switch nursing can keep an ineffective feeder from falling asleep too soon at the breast and maximise milk intake. Combining both techniques can be particularly effective. Using both techniques during a feed might look like this; offer boob one, when the baby looks like their sucking is slowing (fluttering) or getting sleepy use compressions to speed up the milk flow again. You might find that sleepy baby springs awake again because babies often respond to milk flow! Once compressions become less effective, switch baby to side two and repeat. Once the same thing happens, then offer the first side again, and continue switching until baby signals they are done. You will ideally offer 4 sides minimum per feed.

Patience and support are important when feeding tied babies. Feeds may take longer than average and babies may feed more frequently to compensate. It can be helpful to reflect on your wider support network. Can someone help around the house or with other children while this is going on? Can your partner/family/friends offer any extra support?

Keep a close eye on nappy output and weight gain, and keep in contact with that experienced breastfeeding support I talked about earlier. An experienced supporter can help you to decide if your baby needs additional supplements of expressed milk and give you information about how best to do this while protecting your milk supply.

Sometimes the baby may be doing well but you may be struggling with engorged breasts, blocked ducts and even bouts of mastitis. If this is the case, firstly ouch, I am so sorry! One thing to consider may be expressing milk for a short amount of time after feeds to soften the breasts. This may also protect your long-term milk supply. If you need support with blocked ducts this factsheet might be useful.

“I can’t carry on! Feeding is too painful!”

Nipple shields are often considered by mothers in this situation. There can be some pitfalls to using shields, but if it is a choice between a shield or a bottle, a shield might be the better option. Ideally, shields need to be used with support from experienced breastfeeding support. Attention still needs paying to try to achieve a deep latch. Here is some more information to consider while using a shield.

I can empathise when mothers decide to use a bottle because they have tried so many options, and feeding is just too painful. Sometimes a mother may have nipple damage and just can’t bear feeding on demand at that time. I know how tough it is. If this is you remember to talk to your breastfeeding support person. In an ideal world you will still offer the breast for at least some feeds in a 24 hour period. As babies get bigger often latching can improve. It may also help with transition back to fully breastfeeding if this is what you want to do. Continuing to offer the breast, even if it is only a small amount to practise breastfeeding, protects your options down the line. If mixing breast with bottle, paced feeding techniques can be helpful to reduce the risks of bottle flow preferences. There are also alternatives to bottles, for example syringe or cup feeding.

If your baby is not breastfeeding much, or not at all, you may find the following information links useful:

Information on expressing: https://www.laleche.org.uk/expressing-your-milk/

Maintaining milk supply if the baby is not directly breastfeeding: https://kellymom.com/bf/got-milk/basics/maintainsupply-pump/

If using bottles or formula continuing to express when baby has a bottle can help support your milk production. Remember skin to skin is not only great for supply, but does good things for both of you, so keep baby close however you feed them. If you are using some formula it is important to prepare it safely.

Nipple damage

If you have sore nipples but no open wounds, there is no evidence a cream is more helpful than using your own milk rubbed into the nipple.

If you have bruising, the usual treatment for bruising can be helpful such as cold compresses after feeds.

If you have open wounds, moist wound healing may be helpful. This is essentially treating a cracked nipple like a cracked lip and not allowing it to dry out. Cracks in nipples that dry out may split open again at every feed, and this can be very painful. Keeping the crack soft can help healing from the inside out. There is no evidence any one cream is better than another, some mums prefer a lanolin based cream but soft white paraffin (Vaseline) can be just as effective and cheaper. Do use a new pot though and not something that’s been knocking about in the medicine cabinet for donkeys years! Both of these options are safe to breastfeed with, no need to wash off. Just wipe any excess off before feeds.

While we are on the subject of washing, if you have cracked nipples it is essential the wound is kept clean to prevent infections. Some mums use a fragrance-free soap (some babies can be bothered by strong perfumes), others prefer a salt water rinse like the one suggested here.

It might be helpful to start feeds on the least sore or damaged side, babies tend to suck more vigorously at the start of a feed. If you do this, listen to your body to make sure the other breast is still adequately having milk removed, via expression if necessary, to help avoid any engorgement or loss of supply.

If you are in a lot of pain feeding here is information on analgesics which you can use to help.

When you have a long wait for a tongue tie division, I know it can feel impossible. Like an eternity. Those early weeks can feel like months even when things go smoothly. I can totally empathise how overwhelming it might feel. I can’t tell you whether to stick it out, or what is best for you but I can tell you that you are stronger than you know you are.

I remember one day being asked why I had persevered with breastfeeding for so many weeks despite painful challenges. This is something I’ve considered a lot because on that day I couldn’t give an answer.  One thing I have come to understand is often it isn’t really about “the milk”, it is about an inner desire for this connection to our babies. Focusing on that can be more motivating than anything else. Try to remember why you started breastfeeding and why it is important to you. Encourage your partner to remind you of this. Hold on to any moments that are positive. Remember any breastfeeding you can do is significant. Setting small goals can be helpful- try to think about making it to the next day, or next week rather than longer term. This will all pass someday. By setting small goals one day you might suddenly realise you have stopped setting goals to get to next week and will know that the worst is behind you.

Whatever you decide to do, make sure you have support so you can talk it through and feel empowered to make decisions you feel at peace with. Finally, remember, there are lots of us out there to support you. You got this mama💚.

For more information and support:

Association of Tongue-tie Practioners for information about tongue tie

If you need support or someone to talk to fast about the issues you are having try the National Breastfeeding Helpline

Facebook tongue tie support group

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